Mystery Jokes
contains some adult humour
Jokes 1 Jokes 2 Jokes 3
Suddenly there was a gunshot. He fell to the ground. I ran up to him and examined him. There were no bullet holes. No bullet holes? Obviously this was an inside job.
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."
ABLE & WILLING
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"
NEWFOUNDLAND 911
"Hello, is this the RCMP?"
"Yes. What do you want? "
"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Mike Fitzpatrick! He is hiding
marijuana inside his firewood. "
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the RCMP officers descended on Mike's house.
They searched the shed where the firewood was kept.
Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood, but found no marijuana.
They swore at Mike, he swore at them, and they left.
The next day, the phone rang at Mike's house...
"Hey, Mike! Did the RCMP come to your house?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy."
ON DUTY
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening
and was at home with his wife.
"You just won't believe what happened this evening,
in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."
"Oh yes dear, what happened?"
"I came across two guys down by the canal drinking battery acid
and eating fireworks!!”
“What did you do with them?"
He replied: "Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."
GIFT HORSE
The Carters got a surprise in the mail one morning – two tickets to a top West End show, along with a note that read: ‘Guess who these are from!' By the time they went off to see the show, they still had no idea who could have sent them. When they got home they discovered that the house had been ransacked – the TV, video, hi-fi, computer all gone. And there on the kitchen table was another note that read: ‘Now you know!’
HEIR TODAY GONE TOMORROW
Because he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father
died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars and would like to have someone to share it with."
The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
HOW TO INSTALL A POOR MAN’S SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots ---a
really big pair.
2. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo
magazine.
3. Put a dog dish beside it -- a really big dog dish.
4. Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in a hour. Don't disturb the Pitbulls, they are real mad, they've just been castrated."
